The woods are lovely, dark, and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep."
This has been running through my mind today. I am in the midst of the great woods that is Uganda. The children here are lovely, yes, but the situations horrible. I have promised to take this one little boy out of the woods. And getting him home is just the beginning of our long journey.
This is not easy. Have I said that yet? This is not easy. I appreciate all of the kind remarks of awe or admiration, but I also feel the need to express the difficulties, not just of Fort's journey, but mine. I have hope that with a secure home, Fort will settle down into a trusting and loving boy. But the flip side of that coin is fear. I am so afraid that he has accumulated deep scars, which I could never fully heal. That he will struggle every day of his life with these fears of abandonment and rejection and feelings of jealousy and confusion. That he will throw our happy home into one where no one feels like they are seen enough, cared for enough, loved enough. That I have bitten off more than I can chew. That I suffer from delusions of "saving" this child from himself. What if this is it? This is who he is and will always be? Sometimes happy, silly and charming - sometimes disconnected, in pain and incapable of communicating. How will I manage this needy child and not hurt the three beautiful well adjusted children back home?
These are not new fears. These are the questions we asked ourselves when we were making the decisions to adopt, to adopt internationally, and to adopt an older child. What impact will this unknown body make in our family? Any child brings that unknown element- whether the child enters the family by birth or adoption. But he carries influences that I did not control. Scars inflicted by people I've never met. Promises broken of which I will never know the nature.
Today I am missing my children back home. It has been 16 days since I have seen them, 8 days longer than I have ever been away before. And I know they are sad and miss me. I also know they are incredibly well loved and taken care of in my absence, and as soon as I am back, they won't miss me anymore. Sounds logical right? It is that unconditional love that they KNOW- that Fort does not- that allows me to be here with Fort. Our 3 children in Ohio know without a doubt that Mommy will come home. And in Fort's case, it is much more reasonable for him to imagine I will disappear from his life forever.
I had to make the decision to stay here. To be away from home for an entire month. Because if I leave him here, even if I come back - I will be creating more scars that we will have to erase. I need to be the one who doesn't break promises.
"And I have promises to keep...".
Incredibly well put and so amazingly heartfelt. Wishing peace for you, Fort, and your entire family.
ReplyDeleteWhen my son was born, I went to the doctor and asked so many questions. I thought about every little detail and fretted that i may do something that would hurt him. I questioned my self all the time. Then my doctor said something that stayed with me and helped me know that even if what i did wasn't perfect... it was right. She said:
ReplyDelete"Anything you do, if you do it from the purest place of love in your heart, it is the right thing to do."
You are teaching those little ones back home lots of important things, and although, it is difficult for them to be without you, they are learning that sometimes to do what is right isn't easy or convenient. but it is still the right thing. They are all four lucky children to know you and have chosen you for their mom.
Love marylee