Ragged Edges

Things are bumpy with Fort. He is like a 2 year old in a 4 year old body. He screams and melts down when you say no to something. His biggest problem is his inability to communicate his feelings.  And he has lots of them. It is hard to say what triggers these meltdowns- it is usually a small disappointment - he can't have a carrot, or a walk, or maybe doesn't know how to say what he wants. He just stands there and starts to shut down. I can see it coming in his face. There are 2 very distinct moods- the happy silly one that he is usually in, and the shut down mode. Which is so difficult to manage.  It can last 10 minutes or HOURS- and will continue until it passes, or until you can distract him with something- a fun toy, or often food. What makes it so tricky is we could probably avoid most of these meltdowns by giving him what he wants when he is home (really?  You want a carrot?  Wonderful!) .  But in the long run, that isn't teaching him anything. It isn't teaching him how to cope with no, how to express what he wants, and how he feels.  

I think I am actually well equipped to help him. Fort reminds me so much of Ben. I think this is why it hurts my heart so much. He is a sweet & sensitive boy. It seems like he tried to put up walls after he was abandoned, but he wasn't very good at it. And he got hurt. And now he has an intense fear of being rejected or abandoned again.  He is so ragged on the outside.  He clearly needs security- a mama and a family who will not leave him. I think with that knowledge, his ragged edges will begin to smooth out, and his freak outs will happen less and less. But it is not just stability he needs. He needs to have different coping mechanisms - to learn how to live in this world, which is full of no, even for the most secure child. 

And teaching him these things will be much easier for me in our own home, when I have full autonomy. He can't have a carrot when he wants one here because it is an orphanage with 12 children and food comes on a schedule. He can't get special treatment from the house mothers because there is just 3 of them and they are cooking, cleaning, changing diapers and trying to give everyone the same attention. Boys who cry are not well tolerated and he is told things like - "be a man, you are not a woman" and " you better stop crying or your mama will pick someone else". While the house mothers are quite wonderful and caring, they don't realize that these are not regular children , but abandoned children who have been broken at their very core. 

When I think of Fort as a young not quite 2 year old, left alone - I see Ben, my own son at that age. I see the bewilderment, the fear, the loss. And it is what I need to sit with Fort while he is struggling - while he pushes and pulls me at the same time. To love is to risk.  I want him to risk it.