A new normal?

I am in the Amsterdam airport and I have a huge headache.   I'm probably dehydrated and definitely sleep- deprived, but it's probably mostly due to the ball of anxiety I have been carrying around. I got to the Columbus airport (was it yesterday?) and suddenly was so overwhelmed.  Like maybe I had been doing so much planning that I hadn't fully comprehended the magnitude of this next step. 

I'm flying to Uganda for a second time. When I meet Fort again- (hopefully tomorrow!)- I will be able to introduce myself to him as his mom!  And Steve comes in a week to meet him for the very first time. I cannot imagine how we will all feel. I am so anxious for Fort - I want him to be happy and excited but I don't want to deny him any opportunity to mourn. He is losing the life he knows, whether it is perfect or not. He has been in many rough spots, but now he is in a delightful orphanage. He doesn't know our family- our warmth, our joy, our love- but he knows what he is saying goodbye to. That cannot be easy. I'm sure his goodbye will not be one swift cut. You cannot separate yourself from your past quickly, like ripping off a bandaid. Plus I don't want him to let it go. I want him to bring it with us. So we can have that as a part of who he is, where he is from, and take a step forward to heal. 

I want to go to the first orphanage he was brought to - the one that isn't so delightful. I wasn't sure if I should take pictures or document it. A girlfriend of mine was adopted when she was a baby. The culture of adoption has changed- being aware that adoption is a moving river is a big part of the education classes Steve and I took. But one thing that she said sticks with me- that it is all a part of him and his story, and someday just having information to fill up the blank holes will be reassuring, even if the pictures aren't pretty. There is going to be so much that we can't find out, empty pieces of his story we may never learn- she is right to encourage us to actively search out any information we can find. 

He will have a new life with us. And hopefully he will get used to it quickly. A new normal. Us too. It is hard to fathom how I will feel caring for another child, and potentially one that will require so much of me. I have tried to be realistics about the needs he will have and the time it will take to integrate ourselves into each others' lives. But you never know. There' is a big - what if?  I hope Fort and I learn to be patient with each other. Although it will affect all of us, I know it will mostly be me down in the trenches with Fort. That's what I signed up for. But can you ever truly know?  I suppose it's the same basic fear the first time you have kids- certainly when I was pregnant with twins!  Somehow, we'll make it through and figure our our new way to be.