Coming Home

Back when the Family Home emailed Steve and I to see if we were interested in going forward with the adoption for Fort (a big YES),  they recommended for both or one of us to spend 6 weeks in country . Steve and I laughed- there was absolutely no way either of us could do that!  He can barely leave his medical practice for a week at a time, and I stay at home with 3 kids and basically all the household duties!  Originally, one of the logistical things we liked about Ethiopia and Uganda was that 2 short trips was possible. Because the flights are expensive, it can be prohibitive to some families, but for our lives, it was much more practical. I did read many adoption blogs, and tried to educate myself on all the ins and outs of adoption and Africa. So I knew that many families encounter setbacks and find themselves waiting for weeks or months for papers to clear. 

But of course, that was not going to be us. Fort was abandoned when he was younger, and there were no parents involved in the case to bribe money or threaten the outcome of the case. Ours was a straight forward case. And so how is it, that I am sitting on my bed in a guest house in Kampala, going into my sixth week?

The reasons remain twisted around the slow and unpredictable whims of the Ugandan court system and government. Although truly- it all happened rather quickly, which is also why I postponed my initial flight 4 weeks ago. The court (after our brief scare) went well, and the judge scheduled our court ruling for the very next Friday. This was where the "long wait" was expected - where I would fly home until notice that the ruling was scheduled. So instead Steve left, and I stayed. And I was there for the court ruling in week 3. 

And then the passport drama. Who knew I'd be waiting over 2 weeks?  Well, possibly the lawyer, I guess - there was such confusion and bad communication. I only wish he had been more straight forward. If I had known it would take over a week, I could have made a decision to go home. Or not. Who knows if I would've made a different choice, but at least I would have been able to decide for myself.  

And now, I am really (really!) on the home stretch. One last penultimate step (the visa interview) to finish up, for once I have that visa in my hands, Fort and I are on our way home.

I have never felt the idiom "it takes a village" more acutely than this past month and a half. My mother, sister and dear friend have each spent 2 weeks being "mommy" to my kids. I could not have even begun to do this without their help, or the love and support from all of my family & friends back home. 

Home. Oh, how I've missed it. Never did I think I would be away from home this long. But the further we got in the process, the harder it was to think about leaving Uganda.  Leaving and definitely hurting Fort. It has been incredibly hard knowing that our 3 kids back home have been struggling- occasionally acting out, being moody or sad. But I have also come to recognize our children's strengths. Of course, I have long thought them amazing kiddos (I am their mother, after all!), but here where I am meeting damaged children, I see my own kids more clearly. They are so confident, smart and secure. They may miss me, but they do not question my love. Or that I am coming back.  It is their sense of belonging in my world that has sharpened in my awareness.  The words of ee cummings are rattling around in my head tonight, which I have always thought of as the most beautiful description of what love feels like:

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in

my heart)i am never without it(anywhere

i go you go,my dear;...

I think of what a gift this will be if we can teach this love to Fort.   For him to know so deeply his place in this world and in my heart. 

I am bracing myself for some rough seas when I return. Fort will be finding his way in an unfamiliar world- one where he, and not I, is the other color. A world where sounds, smells, and sights are all new. His bed, his food, and familiar faces are all gone and replaced by new ones. And at the same time, Madeleine, Ben & Evie will not have seen me in six weeks. They will be far needier than usual, and needy for me. They all may be jealous of each other.  The stage where they think everything Fort does is so "cute" may be short lived.  But I have a strong feeling that these children will open their hearts to each other so quickly, and that I cannot begin to know what they will give to each other.  

Sometimes you have to be grateful for things yet to be known. 

Here is the poem by ee cummings in its entirety, just because it's so beautiful. 

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in

my heart)i am never without it(anywhere

i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done

by only me is your doing,my darling)

                                                      i fear

no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want

no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)

and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows

higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)