I think I am actually well equipped to help him. Fort reminds me so much of Ben. I think this is why it hurts my heart so much. He is a sweet & sensitive boy. It seems like he tried to put up walls after he was abandoned, but he wasn't very good at it. And he got hurt. And now he has an intense fear of being rejected or abandoned again. He is so ragged on the outside. He clearly needs security- a mama and a family who will not leave him. I think with that knowledge, his ragged edges will begin to smooth out, and his freak outs will happen less and less. But it is not just stability he needs. He needs to have different coping mechanisms - to learn how to live in this world, which is full of no, even for the most secure child.
And teaching him these things will be much easier for me in our own home, when I have full autonomy. He can't have a carrot when he wants one here because it is an orphanage with 12 children and food comes on a schedule. He can't get special treatment from the house mothers because there is just 3 of them and they are cooking, cleaning, changing diapers and trying to give everyone the same attention. Boys who cry are not well tolerated and he is told things like - "be a man, you are not a woman" and " you better stop crying or your mama will pick someone else". While the house mothers are quite wonderful and caring, they don't realize that these are not regular children , but abandoned children who have been broken at their very core.
When I think of Fort as a young not quite 2 year old, left alone - I see Ben, my own son at that age. I see the bewilderment, the fear, the loss. And it is what I need to sit with Fort while he is struggling - while he pushes and pulls me at the same time. To love is to risk. I want him to risk it.
I don't claim to know anything about parenting, but just from my observations I can honestly say that you are one of the most kind, loving, caring and talented mothers I have ever had the pleasure to meet. One day Fort, along with Ben, Evie, and Madeline, will look back and realize how fortunate they are to have you and Mr. Oelhers in their lives.
ReplyDeleteWhat you are doing is absolutely awe-inspiring and the world will be (and already is, I am sure) a better place because of it. I have wanted to be a foster parent since I was a kid, and I cannot thank you enough for sharing your experiences with this adoption.
Please have a safe return, and know that you are all in my thoughts and in my prayers.
With love, awe, and respect,
-Aly Michaud